Parenting Matters

Nothing works!

One of the most frequent comments I get from exasperated parents is “Nothing works, I’ve tried every consequence and nothing works!” With rare exception, today’s parents believe in ‘behavior modification’.  They believe that correct consequences, correctly applied, will correct a child’s misbehavior.  This may work for your dog, but it doesn’t work with your child.  The reason?  Humans possess two things that animals do not:  free will and a rebellious nature.  Behavior modification is simply inadequate to deal with the young child’s battle cry: “You’re not the boss of me!”

This misguided belief that right consequences produce right behavior is the source of most of the frustration many of today’s parents experience in the area of discipline.  When a certain consequence or methodology does not bring about lasting change in a child’s behavior, today’s parents conclude they are using the wrong approach and begin to search for a consequence or method that will work.  They search books, magazines, the internet.  They find a new method.  They try it, and it works for a while, but then it stops working.  They try another, and another, and another.  Finally, at wits end, they end up in a psychologist’s office who promptly gives a diagnosis:  ADHD, oppositional defiant disorder, childhood bipolar disorder.   The psychologist makes a referral to the psychiatrist or pediatrician who sees the child for 20 minutes, concurs with the psychologist and puts the child on medication.

Why didn’t these problems exist 60 years ago?  Understand, in the past 60 years, children haven’t changed.  The only thing that has changed is our approach to parenting.

Two entirely different child-rearing styles, based on two entirely different child-rearing paradigms, will yield two entirely different child-rearing outcomes.  Today’s popular parenting styles and traditional values-based child-rearing have nothing in common. They are in fact, antithetical.

When parents complain, “I’ve tried everything and nothing works!” Remember that behavior modification has never worked and never will.  It is an idea built on faulty philosophy.  Most of today’s parenting philosophies do not take into account the rebellious nature that is innate to a child.  In fact, most of today’s parenting philosophies actually reinforce the child’s willful and rebellious nature by catering primarily to feelings instead of teaching right from wrong.

The ‘heart’ of the issue:

All of your child’s behaviors, attitudes and actions emanate from the values in your child’s heart.  In other words, all of your child’s behavior problems are ‘heart problems’.  Lasting change in the behavior of your child will always travel through the pathway of the heart.

So, as we tackle discipline, keep in mind that reaching and teaching your child’s heart is of utmost importance.  We reach the heart through relationship.  We teach the heart through intention.  The primary goal of Smart Starts for Parents is to help parents develop a strong family foundation and equip them with tools necessary to reach and teach the heart of their child in a way that will lead to permanent, positive change.  I sincerely hope the child-rearing principles and practical applications we share will bless you in your child-rearing pursuits.