Dr. Bob, I don’t know what to do about temper tantrums. One minute my toddler is happily stacking blocks, the next he’s flat on the floor kicking and screaming. I’ll pick him up and hold him, but the tantrums are becoming more common and more severe!
—Sarah J. from Austin
Sarah, tantrums can feel overwhelming—but they’re also one of the most important parenting moments you’ll face. How you respond today shapes your child’s self-control, respect for authority, and future relationships.
Why Tantrums Happen
Around 15–18 months, toddlers discover “me, myself, and I.” Along with first words and wobbly steps comes a far less charming milestone: the temper tantrum.
The good news? Tantrums are normal. The challenge? They must be handled wisely. Ignoring them or giving in only reinforces the wrong lesson—that out-of-control emotions get results.
Step One: Identify the Tantrum
Not all tantrums are the same.
Frustration tantrums happen when a child can’t manage a task or express themselves. For example, limited vocabulary can leave them screaming instead of speaking. Here, empathy and redirection help—guide your child to another option and move forward.
Temper tantrums erupt when a child doesn’t get their way. These aren’t solved with comfort but with calm correction. Giving attention here—even negative attention—rewards the behavior.
The Role of Consistency
Children learn quickly through cause and effect: If I do this, what happens?
If a tantrum leads to attention, it will repeat. If it results in calm, firm consequences without an audience, the behavior loses power.
- Toddlers under 2: A short period of isolation (playpen or crib) until they regain a calm spirit is usually enough. Stay calm yourself—yelling or getting emotional fuels the tantrum.
- Ages 2–3: Isolation may still work, but often needs follow-up correction once calm returns.
- Ages 3 and up: Tantrums are often outright defiance. By this stage, children can grasp why it’s wrong. They need both correction and heart training—lessons in respect, authority, and self-control.
Why Self-Control Matters
Tantrums are outbursts of unchecked emotion. While toddlers may outgrow the screaming, the deeper issue—lack of self-control—remains unless addressed. Many adults still “throw tantrums,” just without collapsing on the floor.
Self-control is a life skill that shapes relationships, school performance, and future work. Without it, children grow into adults who struggle with conflict, authority, and responsibility. As Proverbs 16:32 reminds us: “A fool gives vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds back.”
Tips for Parents in the Heat of the Moment
- Stay calm. Your composure shows your child that you—not their emotions—are in charge.
- Don’t reason mid-storm. Save correction for when calm returns. Words during a tantrum only validate it.
- Be consistent. One exception (“just this once”) guarantees harder battles next time.
- Check consequences. If tantrums continue, ask if the consequence is strong enough—or if your follow-through is weak.
Beyond “Me First”
Between 18 months and 3 years, children must move from being self-focused toward an awareness of others. Respect for authority—parents, teachers, caregivers—is essential for healthy development.
Tantrums aren’t just noisy inconveniences; they’re teaching opportunities. Each one is a chance to instill respect, kindness, and self-control.
Final Encouragement
Yes, tantrums are exhausting. But remember: every calm, consistent response is shaping your child’s character. You’re teaching them that emotions don’t have to rule their life. You’re building resilience, responsibility, and respect.
So, when your little one throws themselves to the floor, take a breath. Stay steady. Stay consistent. You’re not just ending a tantrum—you’re raising an adult who can face life with strength and a calm spirit.
Got a question for Dr. Bucknam?
Email it to us at:
Questions@